I remember that night. It was the night I was just so empty that I felt like if someone would even touch me I would break. I remember kneeling on the bathroom floor so broken and depressed. I wanted to fade away so I could be “safe” from all the hurt. I was so numb that I couldn’t even cry.
Rewind a few months before and you would find me and my siblings listening to my parents tell us they were getting a divorce. I will never forget that day. But I think it may be in a different way from what you think. I will remember that day not because of how angry, sad, worried, or confused I was. I will remember it because it was the day I began a two-year Fight I would put up. A Fight against depression, bitterness, anxiety, fear, worry, numbness, and the prince of all that.
If you know me you will know I don’t like to show one side of me. What I mean by that is I have a part of me that I hid away from everyone. And right now I am just fighting to maybe not type this. Before I say it I want to tell you that this post is not to get any attention but to tell my story of how God took my life and changed me. And this post is not about how I have it all together. Because I do not. So here goes everything. I struggle with depression. I struggle with anxiety. Now these two things work hand in hand with each other. First I will get a thought about anything I mean ANYTHING and my anxiety will take it and run with it. Then my anxiety will hand it off to depression and it will repeat and repeat and repeat all my failures, sins, and worries. I will get in such deep waters that all I think is, I’M DROWNING! SOMEONE HELP!
And finally I have sold my heart, mind, soul, and body to depression and anxiety. And this is where I found myself on the bathroom floor at probably 1am in the morning. “I just can’t sleep,” I told myself, “not like I can any night.” So I got up and made my way to the bathroom but just broke down when I walked in. I had so many things, thoughts, and problems hitting my head in waves. But at that one moment I had one thought… I matter.
See the prince of depression knows just how to hit me in a way that all of my worth seems to fade away. And I believe it. “He was a murderer from the beginning. He has always hated the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, it is consistent with his character; for he is a liar and the father of lies.”
John 8:44b. But on the bathroom floor of all places God told me in a voice that is not heard but much louder that I have value. And for the next few weeks God just kept telling me that through people, pictures, songs, and His Word.
Now every day I am learning that I have a Fight. A Fight that I put a capital at the front of because it is a very important Fight because I Fight to live everyday. For when I have depression and anxiety I do not live at all. It is a shell not me. I Fight to push back the anxiety and depression so I can live. But I can’t do it at all. So I Fight with God as my, Life, Hope, Joy, Father, my everything.
I want to share this with you because if God can can walk with me in my depression He can also walk with you in your________. Fill in that blank with whatever you are going through.
But you need to understand that He will sometimes not save you but will walk through the “fire” with you. (Isaiah 43:1-13)
These pictures are a reminder to me of what I was and who I am now.
The black dress tells of my depression and anxiety. With the word “depression” on my arm is to say that I will not hide any more.
The white dress tells of my new life.
Life full of color (flowers) and new roots (the bouquet of leafs). I based the photographs around the verse 1 Peter 2:9. “But you are not like that, for you are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation, God’s very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for he called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light.”
1 Peter 2:9
The black dress is the darkness. And the white dress is the wonderful light.
Because of the Cross my depression is washed away. Without Jesus I would not be standing today.
I hope you were encouraged by the AMAZING thing the Beautiful Father did in my life.
You all have AWESOME I mean AWESOME things God has done in your life and will do soon. Go out today and listen to the Truth of God
that is being sung over your life.
“That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
2 Corinthians 12:10
You are the Light of the world- like a city that cannot be hidden!
Photos by Jaron Mobley Photography.